The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
by LynstHolin
Summary: Severus Snape/Remus Lupin slash       Severus loves Lily, Remus loves Severus.


Warnings: some non-explicit sexy stuff

...

The thin, dark-eyed boy smiled a shaky smile. "H-hi, Lily." The ginger-haired beauty walked past with her girlfriends, very pointedly ignoring the boy. His mouth drooped, and his eyes teared up. He dashed at his eyes with the back of his hand.

"What's Snivellus crying about now?" It was James Potter, of course, with Sirius snickering beside him. Snape's eyes involuntarily moved toward Lily's retreating back. "You're surprised she won't talk to you after what you called her? You may be a genius at hexes and potions, but you're a moron at everything else." James backed Severus up against a wall, wand to his throat. "I ought to teach you a lesson about respecting girls."

"James, Sirius, come on. If we flunk that test tomorrow, we'll all be expelled. They haven't forgotten what we got up to last year." It was Lupin. Peter Pettigrew trailed behind, carrying an armload of books.

Severus sniffed. "The four of you with _books_? Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?" He winced as James viciously yanked the collar of his robes.

Lupin made an impatient noise. "Enough already."

James loosened his grip on Severus' robes. "Some other time, crybaby. School's just started. I've got all year to punish you." He flicked Snape's forehead with his fingers and spun around, stalking off toward the path to the lake.

Severus rubbed the welt James left. "Sorry," Lupin said to him.

Severus lifted his head high and looked down his long, thin nose. "What a splendid bunch of prats you toddle around with." He walked away with as much dignity as he could muster. Lupin watched his retreating back, smiling. His eyes were drawn toward the white ankles bared by the shabby, too-short robes.

...

Slughorn noted the empty seats in his potions class. "Alas, the Troll Influenza has claimed more victims. You'll need to partner up for today's lesson, so Snape, go sit with Lupin."

As they set to work chopping, grinding, and stirring, Lupin watched Severus out of the corner of his eye. The boy was nearly feral looking with his long, unkempt hair and lean face. "See something you like?" Snape asked coldly as he deftly peeled a gnarled root.

Lupin grinned. "Yes, actually."

Severus snapped his head around. "Don't mock me." He stared a moment. "What happened to your face?"

"Oh, nothing." Suddenly self-conscious, Remus covered the deep scratch on his cheek with his hand. "Just ran into a tree."

"You just ran into a tree. You didn't see the large, stationary object in front of you. Are you in the habit of running with your eyes shut?"

"That's why I like you."

"_What_?"

"You're funny. I don't understand why no one else seems to see that." Remus sprinkled mummy dust into the cauldron and stirred it precisely three times with a glass rod. Snape gazed at Lupin consideringly. "Your eyes. I can't tell where your pupils are, they're so dark. They're lovely really," Remus said.

A blush stained Snape's cheeks. "You're-you're just having a laugh at my expense."

"I'm not James or Sirius. I don't go for that sort of thing. But I think I could go for a boy with eyes as black as his hair."

Snape's eyes darted around the room. "People might hear you." He cast a quick Muffliato.

"And you're a bit of a genius, too. Maybe when we get together, you could teach me some of your spells."

"Get... together?"

"Do you like to swim?"

"The lake is far too cold."

Remus had an impish look on his face. "Who said anything about the lake?"

...

"How do you even know the password?" Snape asked as the door to the fifth floor prefects' bathroom opened.

"That's a secret." Lupin used a sealing charm on the door. "There. Now we won't be interrupted.

Snape gazed at the enormous bathtub in awe. "It's bigger than my house."

Remus turned on all the taps, and the tub rapidly filled with multi-colored water and foam. He shucked off all his clothes, revealing a lean, strong body, and more scratches. He belly-flopped into the tub, splattering bubbles and foam everywhere.

"You were naked when you ran into that tree?" Severus asked.

Remus popped his head up out of the foam. "Take your kit off." Severus hesitated. "Come on, get in."

Severus turned his back to Remus as he disrobed. He was lithe and whippet-thin, with a surprisingly rounded rear end. He peered back over his shoulder. "Don't look."

"We're both blokes. It's not like you have anything I haven't seen before."

"Don't look, or I won't get in."

"Have it your way." Remus turned until he was facing the stained glass window. The mermaid combing her hair also turned around to honor Snape's sense of modesty. Snape sat down at the side of the tub and eased his feet in, pausing with a blissful look on his face before he slid down into the scented bubbles. "Positively heavenly, isn't it?" Remus said.

Snape ducked underwater. His head was crowned with foam when he re-emerged. "I think I could live in here."

"You'd get awfully pruny." Remus plopped more foam on Snape's head and began sculpting it.

Severus laughed. "What are you doing?" His eyes crinkled up at the corners.

Lupin's hands stilled a moment. "You should smile more often. Hmm, there." His hands patted the foam into a shape that immediately began to slide down. "Now I know what you'd look like with a Marie Antoinette hairdo."

"And to think that that's exactly what I was going to ask for the next time I went to the hairdresser."

Remus put his hand under Snape's chin. "That's what I was talking about. You've a very droll sense of humor. I love it." He moved his face close to Snape's. Snape's eyes widened as Lupin's mouth brushed across his. "You're supposed to kiss me back."

"I-I've never kissed anyone before."

"Just do what I do." Remus pressed another soft kiss on Snape's mouth. Severus returned it tentatively. "That's good," Remus whispered. He parted his lips, running the tip of his tongue over Snape's mouth with the next kiss. He pulled the other boy close. Their breathing quickened as Lupin deepened the kiss and their bodies pressed together. Severus made a small sound as Lupin's tongue entered his mouth. Lupin's hand moved down his back, stroking down the knobs of Snape's spine to the firm globes of his buttocks.

Severus jerked, throwing his head back and crying out. Looking mortified, he pulled away from Remus. "I'm sorry!" He turned and made to climb out of the tub.

Remus grabbed him by the arm and spun him around, wrapping his arms around the other boy tightly. "Don't apologize. I like knowing that I got you that excited. You make me feel the same way. Can't you tell?"

The mermaid dove off her rock to give the two boys some privacy while Snape's curious hands made Remus moan.

...

On a sleety afternoon, James watched Severus with narrowed eyes. "What's with Snivellus? He's started washing his hair, and he actually looks happy sometimes. I wonder what he's been up to." James started walking toward the thin boy in the second-hand robes.

"Leave him be," Remus said.

"I want to know what that mope has to smile about."

"Grow up, James," Remus snapped. James looked at him in surprise. "We're sixth years. Bullying is for children."

James shrugged. "I suppose. But it's so much fun."

"A spoiled rich boy picking on a poor boy. It looks... nasty."

"I'm not spoiled!" James yelled. "Why are you always saying that I am? _Merlin_." He stomped away, face stormy.

Remus and Severus exchanged wry smiles across the quad.

...

Severus couldn't see Remus watching him from behind a potted fern as he sprawled on a bench reading a book about poisons. Lily Evans walked by, hand in hand with James Potter, their boots leaving bits of snow on the hallway floor. Snape's face crumbled.

Remus came out from behind the plant and sat on the bench. He looked down at his hands, which were raw and lacerated. "Do you think you'll ever love me as much as you love her?" he asked softly.

"I don't think I could ever love another that much." Severus stared moodily into the distance. "I don't want to love anyone else that much."

"Is it because I'm a boy?"

"I don't know. No. Lily is... She's everything good and sweet and kind."

Remus tilted his head back, resting it against the wall behind him. "I wonder if it's tiring for her, standing on that pedestal you keep her on."

"What happened to your hands? Where were you last night?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just mucking about with James and Sirius."

Severus gave Lupin a hard look. "You say you'll love me forever, but you're keeping secrets from me."

Remus sighed. "I'll stop asking you about Lily if you stop asking me about my injuries."

...

Severus was in the library, flipping through a book nearly the size of a hippogriff. The tome was attached to its own podium by a gold chain. The librarian watched him closely as he carefully turned the yellowed pages. "You are able to read Old English?" she asked.

"As well as I can read modern English," Severus replied. "The illuminations are exquisite, are they not?"

There was a crash, and a first year girl started wailing. "Oh, fiddlesticks," the librarian exclaimed, "They're trying to climb the stacks again. I keep telling the house elves to not serve so many sugary desserts." She bustled off to survey the damage.

Two tables away from Severus, Peter Pettigrew nudged Sirius. "So you say you've figured out how to calm the Whomping Willow?"

"You just crawl along the ground as low as you can under the branches. There's a knot on the trunk, not far off the ground. You press that, and it's as tame as a kitten. There's a tunnel there that leads right into the Shrieking Shack."

"Is it really haunted?"

Sirius smiled. "That'd be telling. If you want to know, you'll have to see for yourself. It gets really interesting around the time of the full moon. Hey, isn't there a full moon tonight?" His eyes went to Severus, who was no longer looking at the ancient manuscript. He stared straight ahead, deep in thought.

...

It was almost dusk, and the late spring weatther was warm. Severus followed Remus at a discreet distance. Lupin looked like he was getting sick; he reeled as he walked and clutched his stomach. The full moon already showed in the sky, glowing orange, close enough to the Earth that craters in its surface were visible. Remus crawled under the thrashing Whomping Willow; a short while later, the tree's branches stilled, drooping like those of an ordinary willow.

Its branches began to stir again as Severus got down on his belly. Leaves stung his back and legs. The knot wasn't hard to find, even in the twilight. Neither was the tunnel. When Severus entered the Shack proper, there were snuffling sounds, a yip, a growl. He was knocked down onto the dust-carpeted floor. Looking up, all he could see was teeth. Sharp pointed teeth that dripped saliva. The growling got louder, and clawed feet dug into his shoulders.

There was a pained, canine yelp, and the weight left Severus. He blinked, not trusting his eyes. A magnificent stag stood between him and the werewolf. It lowered its antlers, which were nearly as wide across as Snape was tall, and it raised one front leg threateningly. The werewolf whined and cowered.

The stag nudged Severus toward the tunnel entrance. Severus was too shaky to get to his feet. He crawled with the sound of the stag's hooves behind him. In the tunnel, Severus looked behind him. "Potter? You?'

James grabbed Severus by the back of the neck, pulling his hair. "You can't tell anyone, do you understand? If you do, I will make your life hell. Do you understand?"

Tears sprang into Snape's eyes. "I would never. Never. Never. Never."

...

Lupin's gaze followed Severus as the thin, dark-haired boy sat at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall. Black eyes looked into his for a brief moment, then turned away. "What's wrong with you?" James asked, "You've barely eaten in days. Maybe you need to see Madam Pomfrey."

Remus made an impatient noise. "It's nothing." He poked at the roast beef on his plate listlessly.

After dinner, Snape got up and left the great Hall alone. Remus followed him. Severus was just about to go down to the Slytherin dungeons when Lupin's hand closed on his upper arm. "Let me go," Severus hissed.

"Please, it's not my fault. I was bitten when I was little," Remus pleaded. The fear and repulsion was far too clear on Snape's face. "I'm the same person I've always been, Sev. You have to believe me."

Severus shuddered and threw off Lupin's hand. "Just give me some time, Remus. School's almost out. I'll-I'll get used to it over the summer. If you'd given me some kind of warning, prepared me..."

Remus reached out again, only to touch nothing. Severus was retreating away from him, not looking back.

...

Remus stared out the window of the Hogwarts Express, looking moody. "What is _wrong _with you," James asked, "We're seventh years now. We're the kings of Hogwarts."

Sirius snickered. "You've been the king of Hogwarts for a long time, James."

A tall, thin figure in black passed by. Lupin's eyes followed Severus as he walked down the length of the train car. He stood up. "I'll be back." He was out of the compartment before anyone could ask him anything.

Remus caught up to Severus between cars. "Sev. I've missed you so much."

Severus looked anywhere but at Lupin's eyes. "I've got to go. Avery and Mulciber are expecting me."

"Kiss me. Please, kiss me. I don't care if anyone else sees us. I just want you so much," Remus pleaded. He grabbed Snape's left arm, and Snape hissed in pain. "What's wrong?" Severus tried to pull away, but Remus held on and pushed up the sleeve of Snape's robes. The skin around the fresh Dark Mark was angry and red. Remus snatched his fingers up as if he'd been burned. "Sev. Sev. How could you? I thought... You still love Lily, don't you?"

Severus reached for the door of the next compartment. "Mudbloods. Half breeds. You're filthy, all of you." The door slammed behind him.

Remus stood by himself, watching the landscape whizz by. He leaned against the wrought iron railing, feeling it cut into his hips. All he had to do was lean a little further forward, and he would land on the tracks and under the train. The pain would be over. He spat, trying to get rid of the nauseated feeling in his stomach.

"Are you train-sick?" James was peering out the door behind him.

"A little. Just-just let me be alone for a while, alright?"

"Sure. Just don't be too long. The woman selling candy will be by soon, and I know how you love your chocolate."

When James closed the door, Remus slid down onto the platform and hugged his knees. He wouldn't kill himself, of course. He would go on, like people do. He would attend his classes and do his homework, and talk when he had to, smile when he had to. He would make everyone around him think that he was happy. He would act.


End file.
